My heart is torn…… A post from the broken pieces…..

Posted: July 5, 2013 in Daily Musings


I had an epiphany last night. Something had been bothering me all night. Something I had no say in whatsoever. Something akin to watching a train wreck or rubbernecking along an accident scene. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling hurt from this situation. Shaking my head all night I tried and tried to forget and repeat over and over…. You can’t say anything, you can’t do anything, it’s not your business and if you do say something you are going to be the one who loses. Did it work? No…. no it didn’t do anything but upset me more and more. Crawling into bed I had hoped to read like I do every night. Did I? NO! Not only did the silly British sitcom not pull me out of my mood but I couldn’t even turn on the kindle. THIS NEVER HAPPENS! NEVER!!! So I went to post a random post on my facebook feed and it turned into this.

mytommy (2)

I watched a young man follow a similar path
One that had both its ups and its downs
He lived life to its fullest forgoing advice
Of the ones he held closest and dear
My heart still aches for his smiling face
His laugh His raspy tone
I am broken each time I think of that day
As I relive the ringing of that phone

What happened I asked, not who, not when
Just tell me who took him away
How did you know the caller enquired
I just know I replied I just know
I just know my heart splintered that day

I see the same things repeating themselves
With a stranger that stepped into my life
I sit here and say Please not again
I can’t watch as she causes such strife
A carefree and fun soul who lives life to extremes
Touches so many hearts in so many ways
He does not see the hate and the danger
Of the lethal one him sending him into the path of destruction and decay


OK Now that this realization had hit me and I had written out my thoughts all I could do is curl up and I silently cried myself to sleep. Who was a crying for? For the man that I lost or for the one I wanted to help? I still don’t know. I don’t know if I will ever know. Getting the call that day is still fresh in my mind after over 20 years. I picked up the phone and my Grandma said hi. I said tell me when. She asked when? I replied with tears rolling down my cheeks. Yeah tell me when he died. She asked if someone had called me already. I said no. She said that Tommy had died. I said I know. She asked how? I said I knew in my heart it was him. I felt him touch me. My Grandma was a devout Baptist. I shocked her. She didn’t know how close our souls were. And she could not believe that I just knew but I did. I sat down and let it all out. Curled up with my young son and relived everything we had been to each other through my mind. The day of the funeral I had hardened my heart, my tears had dried. Till I stepped into the hall and his brother stepped up to me. Hey Shell, he said. Hey I replied. Then he slayed me on the spot with his next comment.

Well look what your man went and did to himself this time.

My man. Yeah he was. He belonged to me and I belonged to him. We were close despite living 4 hours apart before the internet social media was an everyday occurrence and never meeting each other for more than the first decades of our lives. We even had “our song”. A second cousin by adoption we made up for that fast. Two weeks apart a pair of Taurus’ never got along better. I never did get the answers I begged for. His death being more than suspicious but one thing I did know was his death had something to do with a woman who was bad for him.
So last night as I crawled into bed and the realization hit me I was faced with a dilemma. Talk to this person who has so many similarities to my best friend and his life path or keep silent. Silence killed my Tommy. If he had been going through the same situation today I could have done something. I could have voiced my concern and I know he would have listened. Can I do the same with this guy? No. I know I cannot say anything because even as he reminds me of him I am not his best friend. I am hopefully considered a friend. My Facebook status says we are but in truth I know there is nothing I can do but rub the Budda belly, pray and make sacrifices to any God above or fallen below that things do not repeat. I only hope that the ones who truly are his best friends will step up and make it clear to him that the crazy in his life isn’t there for him but to get attention for herself grasping on to his coattails and pulling him down into the bigoted and ugly world she lives in. Thank you for listening to me pour my heart out. And pick one of the above to help me save this guy from the same mistakes I have witnessed in the past.

  1. Kim says:

    Beautiful port shell!

  2. Kim says:

    And I meant POST…dyac!

  3. Emily says:

    I think I can understand this. I have seen it happen, and there simply is nothing to be done. It’s heartbreaking, and you can never say to yourself that they did it to themselves. Those words form, and it seems to crush you even more.

  4. Jen says:

    I can feel the pain in your heart. I pray you make the right decision.

  5. Kryne says:

    Hi hun! I just read your article. I’m sorry for your lost even if its been a long time since a lost is a lost. It would still hurt.
    If only we could do anything but its really up to him. Its his choice. all we could do for him is watch out for his welfare like what we did the other night or day, right? We did good in our own special way. And we would not stop from hoping and praying (even if he doesn’t believe in it) for his success in both his professional and private life.

    You only feel this way about the guy we are referring to is because u actually care about him thus u do not objectify him as what most of the world does to him. To you he is a human being and you deeply respect him. As do we all of the ladies that follow him. Lets just look out for him and tell who ever is disrespecting him to fuck off lol pardon my french oppps we can’t do that, lets just have whoever take down whatever thing that they do that is disrespectful of him

  6. Leann-gram says:

    The realization will help when emotion starts to overwhelm you…you have to decide if what is happening now is the problem, or if you are relating to your past.

    It really is a double edged sword.

    One side: you say something and are possibly resented or shut out…but if something bad happens, you at least tried and can’t beat yourself up over it.

    Second side: You don’t say anything, let kids do their thing, and they either learn from their mistakes, or the worst happens.

    My 2 cents…worth less in Canadian coins, these days…but LeVayan Satanism encourages indulgence. LeVay studied Crowley who was also about indulgence…but what most pull from Crowley and Thelema is “Do what thou will shall be the whole of the law.” I do what I do and that’s that. I can’t regret because I chose to do it. Obviously our actions are deemed acceptable, or not, by society and our environment.

    One of the satanic statements says don’t give advice if you aren’t asked. I’m wary as to how your concerns would be received, no matter how justified.

    Be well my Shell.

    • Hockeyvamp says:

      Thank you! Since we Canadians have no longer the thing once known as a cent I value yours! And I agree that I am wary of stepping up and stating my opinion almost as much as I am scared of the potential outcome if I do not. With that said I am grateful to have your ear in this matter. Much love.

  7. Louisa Bacio says:

    Some losses cut very deep, and don’t fully heel. I’m very sorry for the hurt you still feel. Although I know you want to reach out and help this new person, know that sometimes we really can’t unless they really want to listen.


  8. If you speak to him, you have done what you could. Don’t worry about how he receives your concern. Whether he listens to you or not is his decision but at least you can live with yourself if you’ve tried.

  9. Nikki says:

    I think Leann did a beautiful job of tying in LeVayan ways (which I have NO knowledge of, so I won’t even pretend to, lol).

    I completely empathize with you on this, because I have similar concerns, as you know from our chats. It sucks because a) we’re dealing with a grown adult, and b) people need to learn from their own mistakes instead of taking on our experiences or the experiences of others as their own. I think in this case any one of us saying something directly would only rock the boat, and not in a good way because we only know what we’ve seen, we don’t truly know either party involved. The only thing to do right now is send some positive thoughts and hope that the wool comes off the eyes sooner rather than later.

    This might be a ridiculous metaphor to use, but I see mistakes as a key part of the glue that adheres the pieces of life’s puzzle together. We learn from them, we grow from them, and typically they help to make us better people in the long run. If this ends up being a mistake hopefully it’ll be one that assists with the learning process and makes things better in the long run.

    I love you sweetie! And the compassion and care you have for those who you don’t even know. You’re an incredible woman and anyone – near or far – should feel privileged to have your care and concern directed at them.


    • Hockeyvamp says:

      I appreciate all of the thought put in to this comment! I know in my heart that what I want to do and what I should do are two separate directions in this matter. I just hope my decision to let things lie…. unless provoked… will be the right one

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